i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
