Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
