Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
