I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
