I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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