You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
