I CAN MOONWALK!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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