What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
