i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
