I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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