Can i not drive my cunt home
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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