I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
