oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
