she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
