Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
