I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
