so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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