If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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