Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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