Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
