just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
