Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
