I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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