Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
