i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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