I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I love you. Go after that dick
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