You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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