he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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