I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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