I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
