One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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