i think i have two assholes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
