toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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