she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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