My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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