this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
