My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
time to smoke my breakfast
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
