I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
my poor anus
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
