Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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