Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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