when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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