It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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