Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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