Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
