Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We had to coat check the pizza.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
