Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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