If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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