I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
