What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Alive.
So much puke
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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