Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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