I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
