Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
