I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
