I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
