I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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