New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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