There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
