there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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