I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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