How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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