there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
