So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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